Larger than Life!!!

This young man, I can't say this little guy anymore because he's 11!!

This young man,

is larger than life to me! 

He has such passion and convictions! 

And a silly sense of humor!!

(Tra-la-la!!!)

He is confident in himself,

even though he has been bullied on so many levels!

His brother and partner in crime bailed on him

for camp this year. 

(that's an entirely different story)

But, Hagan, when given the option to cancel his camp experience, 

he refused!

He didn't care if he would be alone. 

He didn't care that he would be the only Little Person.

He didn't care that there were activities that he probably wouldn't be able

to join in on or be the best at.

He said that he wanted to go so that he can learn more about God.

He wanted to go to camp and learn how he can have a closer personal walk with God.

He wanted to go and grow!

Oh how I love this boy oops, young man!!! 

Stay on the path given me!

God is making me a new creation. 

One would think he would get tired of chasing after me.

I'm so thankful he has never given up on me. 

Instead he allows for growth, even through the pain. 

He knows that I am comfortable on the beaten path. 

The path that is well worn, with not too many curves!

He knows that if there is even a small rock on my path, 

I will trip right over it! 

The insecurity of going a different direction,

not knowing where it may lead... scares me!!!

Can even paralyze me! 

Many people think that I'm adventurous... probably because 

we've gone off the beaten path a few times to bring our babies home. 

But to be completely honest, 

every child God brought home to our family, 

we followed HIM in fear!  

Many times I've even had serious conversations with him, 

"If you want to close these doors - that'd be okay!" 

Yep.  

I did.

God shows us the journey HE has for each of us individually.

Even when it's not what we have dreamed or imagined!

Even when the path is painful and hard-

He is faithful and holds us closer.

His plans are so much bigger than our minds can fathom!

Isaiah 55:8

For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

neither are my ways your ways,

saith the Lord. 

Making a difference!

Last weekend at Jailyn's gymnastics meet

Jailyn and I were blessed by an amazing lady!

A stranger, who within minutes made us feel like family!

She didn't have too!

But, she did!

And she made a huge impact on us!

So, Jailyn and I stayed at a hotel that was across the parking lot from Cracker Barrel!

Of course we decided on breakfast there! 

Neither Jailyn or I could sleep -

so we made our way to breakfast early.

We were seated 

and soon our server came to chat with us.

She was a doll!

She chatted with us and Jailyn told her why we were there.

Ms. Kelly wrote down Jailyn's name and told

her that she is going to be praying for Jailyn through the day.

"Praying that she does her best.

Praying that she has fun.

Praying that she and her team are safe,

and praying that Jailyn will be proud of her skills today!"

I got chills!!

Of course Jailyn had to go back to the next morning 

to show Ms, Kelly her medals!

                                                                                                                                    

Ms. Kelly was so proud of her!

She even called to her friends at the restaurant,

"This is Jailyn, that I told you about yesterday!

Look at her medals!!"

Ms. Kelly, 

you are amazing!!

You are an amazing encourager!

You are a gift!! 

You taught us a very important lesson in caring for your neighbor! 

Even if we may never see each other again! 

Mark 12:31

"Love your neighbor as yourself.

There is no commandment 

greater than these."

                                                                                                                                                

New Life in Christ

Romans 6:4

We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that,

 just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, 

we too may live a new life.

Hagan has been wanting to take the step 

of baptism for over two years!

Because of his many, many surgeries - 

he choose to wait until he could be dunked!

Two weeks ago

I told him that our church was having a baptism...

He couldn't believe he was finally healthy and 

could take this step of obedience to God!

I am so thankful for my Hagan 

who is a giant man of faith! 

God has used Hagan and will continue to use him in Mighty ways!

A new life in Christ!

"I'm not afraid - I trust my Lord" - Hagan Anderson

Why I share my story...

My daddy always told me, "When you walk through hard times... 

remember those times,

share those times,

because someone else may be struggling too. 

What you go through may not be all about you

but how you can help someone else."

My daddy wasn't the most open person with a crowd of people gathering to listen to him, 

but what we learned at his funeral was eye opening... 

(Daddy died almost 21 years ago - just so y'all know this wasn't recent.)

The funeral home was packed with people loving on my momma 

who stood so strong and welcomed everyone with grace!  

Amazing woman!!

In walked a lonely man, no one knew him.

He really didn't "fit in" with the crowd.

One of dad's friends went to chat with him,

and to maybe help him on his way...

What we learned was this man

struggled with a lot of things that my dad had struggled with.

I can't remember how they actually met,

but my dad met this man once a week for coffee and breakfast.

Possibly the only hot meal this man had each week.

My dad shared his weaknesses and his struggles

and this man didn't feel alone.

Didn't feel ashamed or disgraced,

if even for a short time of breakfast once a week.

Sometimes putting ourselves out there is not about us,

but about showing God's grace and miracles in our own lives to help others.

This is the main reason why I share my health journey with you.

I could keep all of my weaknesses from y'all and make y'all

think that I am just super woman!!

Believe me, my kids will tell you,

I am far from that!!

But when a few little supplements have changed my health

and help me daily to function

on some days that I soooo don't want to function -

but who is that helping?

I refuse to go back to "fake it until you make it!"

Instead, I want to live life to the fullest!!

And enjoy my family and friends as I do that!!

When I have friends tell me,

I'm having a panic attack, life is too hard -

I need my body balanced again,

do you have any supplements on hand?

or

I didn't realize how good I felt when I was taking your supplements!

I want that again!

or

I can get out of bed!

My body is regulating and my aches and pains are at a minimum

or even gone most days!!

or

My doctor took me off meds because my labs came back healthy!!!!

I praise God for the blessing to share

something like plant based supplements...

God's creation working with his creation!

Not working against it!

(and believe me I am not anti-medicine,

there is a time and place!

But if natural products help in bigger ways to

help heal my body - I'm going with that!)

We think we know better in so many ways!

But, that never pans out well, does it?!

So for those who think I share my health journey to make a few bucks

off of you...

you don't really know me.

My job of sharing and helping others means the world to me!

And I don't take it lightly!!

God's brought me through too much to keep quiet about this!!

Love y'all!!

Reach out to someone today!

Share a smile,

Share a little about yourself,

you may just make someones day a little brighter!

I didn't sign up for this... neither did he.

A week ago we received devastating news for Elijah

and for his mental health.

To sum it up,

medically speaking we learned what and why
Elijah has been suffering from

all of his life, 

We received the diagnosis and were told
he will never heal, this side of heaven.

Unless God gives us a miracle 

his mental health is incurable.

Psychologically speaking, 

we have been told that we are doing everything we can do to help him.

Neurologically speaking, 

we have been told that he will never 

be able to process socially in a healthy way.

Life in a family will be a constant struggle.

Residential and Institutional care will be part of 

Elijah's life journey.

I can't believe I'm typing this!

I didn't sign up for this!

I pray/beg to be his mommy to send him off to strangers!

I didn't fight for his well-being for 

the past 6.5 years to put him in the care of someone else!

I signed up to parent my son in my house!
To love him, to help him heal, to hold him when he is scared.
I guess God is teaching me that parenting a child
comes in many different ways -
always doing what is best for him
and all of my kids,
is what I am called to.

When discussing the test results with our neurologist 

we were told that Elijah's disabilities manifest itself 

in labels like -

Autism, Schizophrenia, and RAD (reactive attachment disorder).
Along with his PTSD and TBI (traumatic brain injury),
this is not a good combination.

What I have said since I've been his mommy 

and at every evaluation for every therapist, doctor, teacher, 

really anyone who would listen...

is that,

 he tries soooo hard to make good choices, but he just can't!!

And now we know - Momma knows her boy!! 

Tomorrow morning we will drive Elijah to begin this visit to residential care.
(looking at a few months stay for him).

Leaving him there is going to be so so hard,

but presently life is not safe for him,

and we have no other choice.

We appreciate prayers for our miracle boy!! 

and for our entire family!  

We miss our boy and brother who can be so fun,

and so loving!

But struggles so deeply! 

We pray he can come home safely,
we pray for a long term plan
and for doctors and therapists who
will love our boy and
help us every step of this journey!

We cling to hope in miracles in our Lord Jesus Christ!
We will walk this journey with our son
and marvel in Wonder and Awe of HIS plan.

2018’s word of the year!!!

I like to choose a word of the year,

some years are easier to find a word then others. 

This year was quite different.

2016 was hard!
4 major surgeries for Hagan!
1 surgery for Elijah!
1 major surgery for Miles
and
2 hospital stays for Elijah!


2017 was hard!
we had a lot of things thrown at us that we were not ready for...

3 major surgeries for Hagan,
1 for Donovan,
Major panic attack meltdown for me,
4 hospital stays for Elijah
to list a few,
and more that we are still trying to wrap our heads around.

Though the past years have been hard,
there have been some amazing sweetness!!
God is always faithful to keep us encouraged and
to see baby steps in where HE is directing us!


A few weeks ago,
I was in the middle of a major temper tantrum!
Ready to cancel Christmas!
and definitely threatening to cancel acknowledging New Years!
I was sooooo NOT ready to do all of this all over again!!

Have you ever felt like staying in your disfunction is
better than moving into more disfunction?
Comfort in the disfunction!
Well, that was where I was!

But, God spoke to me and gave me the promise of WONDER!



Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart 
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and HE will make your paths straight.

Going into 2018 I am ready to see all the hard that we have walked through in 2016 and 2017
and cling to the WONDER of God's plan as HE will show us what all of our work has been for.

Allowing God to unfold HIS path for me is where HE wants me.

I've also been reminded, through quiet times,
that my work isn't finished.
The path I am on is rocky!
It has it's major ups and downs!
But, as I walk, sometimes hike,
places I'd rather not go -
I will cling to the promise that God is in control
and I will sit and gaze in WONDER and AWE
of all that HE is!!

Happy New Year,
and I pray you also,
will see the Wonder in all that God is
and how HE loves you!

Detour

Have you ever sat in traffic and have your GPS begin beeping at you,

trying to tell you to go a different way?

A better way?

A shorter way?

A quicker way?

Mine did the other day. 

This was the mess I was caught up in the other day...

My GPS was warning me,

I have a better way for you!! 

You see, I hate driving to the city! 

I hate driving somewhere I'm not familiar with,

and in traffic - makes it even worse!

I can be patient but there are so crazy drivers out there!! 

This has been the traffic I have been in 

for 2 weeks and the reason I'm there is not because of my choices.

So, yes, there is a bit of resistance there too! 

Anyway, 

As my GPS beeped at me,

I was given the choice - 

get over to the right hand lane and get off the highway,

or stay here in this mess.

If I stay where I am - I'll be late for the appointment.

If I get off this route - I'll make the appointment with time to spare.

BUT...

I know where I am going on this route!

I know what exit I need to get off! 

I know what to expect! 

What do I do? 

As I weighted the pros and cons, 

God said to me, 

"I'm giving you detours. 

Detours that will get you to the same destination,

only with less pain. 

With less anguish.

With less frustration."

HE wasn't talking about the traffic, 

HE was talking about my every day life! 

Am I listening to God beeping at me? 

Do I even have my GPS on, 

in other words am I reading his word, 

am I in constant communication with HIM?

Am I willing to take this detour that is before me?

Am I willing to let HIM guide me?

Even when I have no clue of where I'm going?

or 

Is sitting in the drivers seat, 

doing the same thing that I have always done,

not allowing God to lead me through the unknown,

is it worth missing out on the detour God has for me?

God reminded me of these verses,

Luke 12:22-32

Then Jesus said to his disciples: "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life,

what you will eat; or about your body, what will you wear.

For life is more than food, and the body more than clothes.

Consider the ravens:  The do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; 

yet God feeds them!

And how much more valuable you are than birds!!! 

Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life?

Since you cannot do this very little thing, she do you worry about the rest?

Consider how the wide flowers grow.

They do not labor or spin.  

Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.

If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today,

and tomorrow is thrown into the fire,

how much more will he clothes you - you of little faith! 

And do not set your hear on what you will eat or drink;

do not worry about it. 

For the pagan world runs after all such things,

and your Father knows that you need them.  

But seek HIS kingdom, 

and these things will be given to you!

"I want to be normal"

Holding my 96lb 10 year old baby boy while he fights his pain

and anguish in the only way he knows how. 

As nestled into my chest,

his body melts into my body. 

His heart is racing faster than I can count.

His tears begin to flow.

His screams drastically change from anger to deep anguish. 

Holding to me as I rock him,

his grip on me gets tighter and tighter.

"I want to be normal." he cries out.

Because Elijah's past experiences, he suffers every minute of the day to trust,

to regulate his emotions as he tries to "be normal",

and is unable to see his own worth.

Yet, he is one of the strongest kids I know!

Unfortunately Elijah cannot articulate his aches and in many

ways he can't even process what is happening, 

and where the pain comes from.

The last month has been really hard on our boy. 

He has put himself and others in unsafe situations.

Thursday was a particularly rough morning yet, God 

orchestrated every step throughout the day.

We had been calling crisis treatment facilities in the area for weeks - 

only to be turned down with every phone call and every evaluation, 

hearing ...

"Yes, your boy needs help, but we don't have room.

Our beds are full. 

We will put Elijah on the waitlist."

(waitlists are 4 - 6 weeks long!) 

This breaks my heart in so many ways!! 

Y'all, we need to do better!!

OUR children are suffering!!! 

Why our psychiatric beds full for 10 year olds???

On Thursday we were able to get to a Dallas hospital that Elijah 

has been to before and where he felt comfortable. 

As we wait hours in the ER we again hear, 

"We have no beds available."

But there was no way we were leaving without help! 

I was ready to camp out in the ER for days if needed.

Hours later the social worker came to tell me that a facility that she 

had called that morning, and was turned away - had a bed open up!

She had already grabbed it for Elijah. 

Like I said, God had this day completely orchestrated!! 

Elijah didn't get settled in a bed until 3:30am. 

Sweet boy was completely exhausted but aware that I was leaving him.

When the nurse asked him to come with him,

he gave me a huge bear hug - like only Elijah can give. 

This is a short term facility that will help support Elijah for this time.

I've spoken to staff and love that they have seen his sweet,

compassionate side. 

My boy is loved by so many! 

Elijah's plea to be "normal" just breaks me! 

To him "normal" means to control his anger.

To be able to be on a soccer team and take instruction from a coach.

He wants to be successful with his school work. 

He wants to be safe. 

He wants to show love with an open heart 

and accept the love given him.

We are praying for peace for our boy! 

Peace from his hurts and 

peace for him to love without fear!

and for him to love himself. 

To understand he is worthy of unconditional love. 

Elijah is my miracle boy 

and God is moving mountains for him! 

"You brought the circus with you today"

This post has been on my heart for a while,

it's a hard post.

But, I have to share,

hopefully it will help someone.

Visiting new places with our family is always stressful!

We have to go over

 where we are going,

why we are going,

what the surroundings will be like,

who will be there...

and do this about 8 times!!! 

(9 if Conner is with us)

Going to a restaurant is stressful for some

because making choices are just too hard!

For some, the noise level is too much!

For some, just the excitement is too much! 

Everyone responds differently,

so mom is on point when we go out! haha!

Well, I try to be! 

So when we enter a supposedly friendly, welcoming place,

Kids are all behaving themselves,

and are actually all pretty nervous so they are 

attached to mom 

and very quiet...

and we get 

"You brought the circus with you today" -

 mom's blood kind of boils more then any of my kids!

I am sharing this, 

not to complain about a certain establishment,

I'm sure others there who are lovely,

but, I share to remind all of us -

when someone comes into our lives that may be 

a little different then what society says is "normal" 

please be kind! 

And think before you speak! 

And know that little ears, 

no matter how little - they hear! 

And their hearts hurt! 

Adopted again

A few Sunday's ago, 

during service, 

Hagan got off his chair, which is very difficult for him,

and with crazy excitement went to Dad.

Grabbed his knee and said,

"I want to be baptized!"

I was sitting infront of Dad, as our family is too large for one row. 

Seeing Hagan rush to Dad, 

thinking Hagan must have needed help with something...

Bryan and I turned to each other with huge smiles! 

"Awesome buddy, 

Let's talk after church!"

Hagan skipped back to his seat, 

and all but hopped into his chair

(very difficult to do in his brace,)

Bryan and I shared a look of excitement and also 

a giggle and a look of,
"okay, how do we make this happen!"

You see, we practice immersion baptism,

and well, Hagan can't get his brace wet

and he can't be without it and be vertical.

Best dilemma to have,
who cares,
OUR SON WANTS TO BE BAPTIZED!!!! 

We talked to Hagan over the next few days 

and on January 10th, 2017

Hagan prayed and asked Jesus into his heart!

Hagan wants to live for Jesus!

He knows that Jesus came to bear our sins, 

and offer us the gift of eternal salvation. 

John 3:16

For God so loved the world,

that he gave his only son to die.

That whoever believes in him should not perish

but, have everlasting life! 

I have to tell you, 

Hagan has changed since that sweet evening. 

He is still the sweet kiddo that he was, 

But there is something more...

Hagan has an inner joy now! 

He has a peace! 

He has a kindness 

that is only from the Holy Spirit! 

Next step is to get our boy baptism! 

Believe me we are not legalistic in our beliefs! 

No waiting for Hagan to get out of his brace, 

could be another 11 months! 

Adopted once into the Anderson family,

adopted again into the family of God! 

Praise God! 

Elijah- God went before us

You know when you have an incredible fear 

and completely lack trust in a profession.

Such a fear, that it takes you five years to 

finally take your child to a professional.

Trying everything else because you don't trust!

I have nothing against the profession,

but my fear is finding the one who understands 

kiddos from international abandonment trauma!

Today was our appointment for Elijah at a psychiatrists office.

A psychiatrist, who was the only one in the Dallas area 

who took our insurance 

and 

was taking new patients.

And,

the office is within 5 miles from our house.

(seemed too good to be true!)

We kept the appointment,

went,

and honestly not expecting much...

but, God heard my prayers!

God had set the stage!

Though we were first scheduled to see a different RN,

but God had that changed -

for no real reason shown to any of us...

The nurse that we first saw,

get this...

is an adoptive momma! 

An adoptive momma who "gets" it!!! 

Who understood my boy!!! 

As we talked, finding more and more things we had in common...

I asked her who her social worker is...

and of course,

we have the same incredible social worker!! 

The Nurse agreed, she checks up on us all the time!!! 

She is amazing! 

The Nurse also, went to high school with one of my 

most favorite adoptive mommas!! 

When the doctor came in,

she explained how we connected and he was so excited!

Genuinely excited that we understood each other,

and that he could help.

He changed up some of Elijah's meds that were given 

him from our out patient facility,

and disagreed with some of the diagnosis -

but agreed with us that Elijah's issues are 

majorly from PTSD. 

We go back in 2 weeks to discuss how Elijah is doing 

on the new meds, 

but we are praying that this will help us get further with him,

and help him learn how to cope with his trauma. 

I'm still amazed! 

God is so good! 

ohhhh the holidays... sigh!!

"Your children are so beautiful and so well behaved!'

This is a comment we received this past weekend when we went 

out to dinner for Hagan's birthday.

What they didn't see was that one child was missing.

He was there, but they couldn't see him.

You see, my son was overwhelmed with everything that day.

Actually, for the last few weeks.

Holidays are very hard on many kids from hard places.

Whether it's the inability to celebrate another person

and their successes,

or if it the hustle and bustle of the holiday season,

either way,

it's hard on them.

My son decided that instead of eating at the table with the rest of us,

he sat under the table  -

eating junk from under the table 

and from the floor. 

We often times had our parenting strategies questioned,

"why would you allow your child to do this?"

Well, I'll tell you why. 

It's for the safety of everyone around.

If we had pushed him further he would have had a complete meltdown,

screaming, hitting, kicking, spitting on anyone around.

I know this doesn't make sense to most people.

It didn't make sense to me when I saw things like this 

before I had a son who cannot regulate himself.

This doesn't make him a "bad" kid - but a kid who just can't regulate himself.

In the adoption community we have a phrase called, "cocooning".

Meaning we make our child's world as small as can be 

and keep that child near by.

This is often done early in the adoption process.

(what I would give to go back in time and get to my boy sooner in life!)

But, really with most kids from hard places this needs to happen often.

Because of lack of nutrients, lack of cuddling as an infant, lack of simple needs being met, and stress they experienced in the womb,

their brains are not formed like the average child.

When a child is in fight, flight, or freeze mode there is no moving forward

until they are ready. 

We just have to ride it out and deal with actions after their brains 

are processing the events correctly. 

Believe me, even if it doesn't look like we are being pro-active in our parenting - 

we definitely are!! 

Unfortunately, our parenting looks very different from others parenting.

Our children are hyper-vigilant so we have to be also -

to keep one step a head of them!! 

So, if you see an adoptive family,

not participating in normal activities,
especially this time of the year,

know that they are not all bah humbug -

but just trying to get through the season without too much trauma drama for everyone.