Sunday, October 22, 2017

"I want to be normal"

Holding my 96lb 10 year old baby boy while he fights his pain
and anguish in the only way he knows how. 
As nestled into my chest,
his body melts into my body. 
His heart is racing faster than I can count.
His tears begin to flow.

His screams drastically change from anger to deep anguish. 
Holding to me as I rock him,
his grip on me gets tighter and tighter.
"I want to be normal." he cries out.

Because Elijah's past experiences, he suffers every minute of the day to trust,
to regulate his emotions as he tries to "be normal",
and is unable to see his own worth.
Yet, he is one of the strongest kids I know!

Unfortunately Elijah cannot articulate his aches and in many
ways he can't even process what is happening, 
and where the pain comes from.

The last month has been really hard on our boy. 
He has put himself and others in unsafe situations.
Thursday was a particularly rough morning yet, God 
orchestrated every step throughout the day.

We had been calling crisis treatment facilities in the area for weeks - 
only to be turned down with every phone call and every evaluation, 
hearing ...
"Yes, your boy needs help, but we don't have room.
Our beds are full. 
We will put Elijah on the waitlist."
(waitlists are 4 - 6 weeks long!) 
This breaks my heart in so many ways!! 
Y'all, we need to do better!!
OUR children are suffering!!! 
Why our psychiatric beds full for 10 year olds???

On Thursday we were able to get to a Dallas hospital that Elijah 
has been to before and where he felt comfortable. 
As we wait hours in the ER we again hear, 
"We have no beds available."
But there was no way we were leaving without help! 
I was ready to camp out in the ER for days if needed.

Hours later the social worker came to tell me that a facility that she 
had called that morning, and was turned away - had a bed open up!
She had already grabbed it for Elijah. 
Like I said, God had this day completely orchestrated!! 

Elijah didn't get settled in a bed until 3:30am. 
Sweet boy was completely exhausted but aware that I was leaving him.
When the nurse asked him to come with him,
he gave me a huge bear hug - like only Elijah can give. 

This is a short term facility that will help support Elijah for this time.
I've spoken to staff and love that they have seen his sweet,
compassionate side. 
My boy is loved by so many! 

Elijah's plea to be "normal" just breaks me! 
To him "normal" means to control his anger.
To be able to be on a soccer team and take instruction from a coach.
He wants to be successful with his school work. 
He wants to be safe. 
He wants to show love with an open heart 
and accept the love given him.

We are praying for peace for our boy! 
Peace from his hurts and 
peace for him to love without fear!
and for him to love himself. 
To understand he is worthy of unconditional love. 

Elijah is my miracle boy 
and God is moving mountains for him! 


Localgrace said...

My heart goes out to him. I hate to see a 10 year old suffering so much. You are such an angel to him. God placed him with you for a reason.

Kelleyn Rothaermel said...

praying for your sweet boy that he may come out on the otherside of the pain and become stronger as only Jesus can make him stronger. Bless his heart.

Snyder Central said...

We too have struggled with mental health. My daughter is finally, after a long multi-year struggle, finding herself again. It's been a long road full of heartache and wondering on my part if I could even handle it. Hopefully "normal" will come and he will find the help he needs. Don't forget to take care of yourself at the same time.


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