That look

Jailyn had major surgery earlier today,

she had a bone graft from her hip -

to use the bone to rebuild her upper gum,

that is in three pieces because of her bilateral cleft lip/cleft palate.

This is a hard surgery with a long recovery.

Yesterday we spent the day at all of her Pre-Op appointments,

doctors and nurses asking her if she understood what was going to 

happen to her during surgery...

and Jailyn, being Jailyn, surprised them all 

when she told them exactly what was going to happen. 

She was nervous but had the head knowledge about what was 

happening. 

Last night she slept in our bedroom,

and got up willingly and the first thing out of her mouth was,

"Can you make me a 96?" 

"96" is our Plexus protein shakes that she loves,

and will be her main source of protein as she recovers.

I reminded her that she could only have water until 7:30 this morning,

she took the reminder in stride. 

We got to the hospital and got registered,

she was doing pretty good and being very brave. 

Until...

she gave me the look,

the terrified, 

empty look.

Tears fell from her eyes,

my heart broke.

Thinking she was scared I tried to comfort her.

Through her tears she said that she wasn't nervous,

she was hungry. 

And she broke down. 

and I tried to hold it together for her.

The first 16 months of her life, she spent in an orphanage,

and was not fed regularly,

nor fed nearly enough.

Lack of food still haunts her.  

Trust that she will have food is still broken when her tummy is empty.

 I had to withhold food from her this morning

and her emotions went back to that dark place. 

Of all my younger kids

(can't call them "little" anymore -

they are getting too big!)

Jailyn is the most secure in her place in our family

and the love and trust of family. 

But, even Jailyn hurts and aches from her past.

I am sharing this with y'all to help us all understand 

that our past effects our present and future. 

Adoptive parents, please don't think -

"you've been home for __ amount of years - you should be over this!"

or 

"don't you trust me?"

It's truly not about you!

It is about their past and their pain,

and it is real! 

Please respect their past and their emotions,

their losses and their insecurities.

Embrace them and demand that others respect your child too!

 and just sayin' -

don't you love her braid!

Her amazing surgeon did that before he started surgery! 

He's such a 'daddy' to all of his patients!!