Tuesday, September 28, 2010

21 months and still hurting

It's been 21 months since we first held Jorja and promised to never let her go.

Adding an older child into our family has been filled with ups and downs.  Most mornings I wake early, enjoy my quiet time, and pray that she will wake up in a good mood and will choose not to fight us who just want to love her.
The longer she is home the better our days get, but there are still those rough days -
and yesterday was one of them.

Though I haven't posted a lot of our struggles in depth here - I feel that I need to post about this rough day.  I am posting this because I want others to know: 1) you are not the only one going through these things, 2) these things happen when adopting an older child - but remember my positive posts too :) 3) help us remember the hurting children who do not have a mommy or daddy to cling too and to trust in.

We were doing school work, work that we have done before and I know Jorja can do. Something triggered and she choose to throw some major temper tantrums.  From 9am - 3pm she spent literally four of those hours screaming, hitting, and biting.  We sat together, we prayed together (well, I prayed - she screamed), we cuddled, we talked (again, I talked -she screamed and hit!)
After an hour or so, she had gone to a really bad emotional place, as she was hitting her self she began screaming,
 "I  bad girl, I no part of you family anymore!"

Breaking my heart I did all I could do to get her to understand that she is always part of our family, and we will always love her! (Reinforcing this like we do with her ALL the time)
After a 2 hour episode, I sent her to her room (of course, checking on her every couple of minutes)

She finally settled down enough to talk.  At this point, I have tears flowing too!  My little girl is hurting more then I can ever imagine!  I asked her who told her she was a "bad girl"? She said that she knows what a bad girl is.  B in China told her she was a bad girl.
B also told her that she had no mommy and that if her family ever came to get her - and if she was a bad girl - she wouldn't be part of the family anymore, and we would throw her in the trash can!

Ohhh - what stress was put on my sweet girl!

The hurt that she endured waiting for us - and now the stress that she puts on herself to be "good" so we wont throw her away.  It just breaks my heart.  We have 5 years of hurt to overcome.
Normally, people see her as a happy-go-lucky little girl!  Being silly and enjoying life.
What she doesn't show everyone is the hurt and insecurities that have infected her.
The mind games that were played on her, or that she played on herself, will take a long time to break through.
But we are here for her FOREVER!
And, ohhhh she is so worth it! 


Kim K. said...

Your honesty is always appreciated. It breaks my heart to see our girls hurting. Most days, life is good for our Josie, but when she throws down a tantrum it's like no other that I had ever witnessed. Extra hugs!! Here's to hoping that today brings much peace.

Catching Butterflies 3 said...

Sarah is the same. She has been home 3 years. Most of the time it's great. But still there are times when she has awful tantrums too. In the last tantrum she said she wanted to starve herself to death, run away from home, and reject my God forever. I stayed with her...and kept it calm. Eventually she calmed down. For her it was really trying to make me clean her room for her. It was a if you don't do what I want I will do this stuff. It was a power play. She always equals a normal request for obedience with a loss of love. But we can talk with each other. She will talk with me. Sometimes we yell at each other...but at least we talk it out.

Anita said...

Jodi - Thank you for sharing honestly your struggles with Jorja. It's so hard to imagine the hurt that has been invoked on our children before we've received them. If we could get a fuller picture of it, I'm sure it would break all of our hearts to pieces and they've been the ones to endure it. We get snapshots of it and try and piece it all together to make sense of it for them.

What an awesome momma you are to love her through the healing! :) You will be one momma I know I'll need and want to lean on when we bring Kaleb home.

HUGS to both of you!

Shonni said...

Poor baby.
I’m so glad that you shared this!!!!

Anonymous said...

Hugs to you and Jorga. What an insightful post.


KO said...

I love when people post about the hard stuff. It is hard to do.


Cupcakes and Hairbows said...

We had a very hard day on Sunday -- reverted to hiding (after she went to bed - found her asleep in the closet under a blanket) and holding the tears in until she can't hold them anymore. I never did figure out what was wrong...


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